Thoughts

Its not often that I come to this blog to just write what I'm thinking. I try to keep this thing fun and as entertaining as it can be, even if I do suck at it at times. Tonight I'm standing in my kitchen watching a video Becca posted of the girls going to meet Santa. Ivy, in her five year old glory, walked up to him, sat on his lap and promptly handed him her Christmas list. They talked for second and then took a picture. All the while, little Lily screamed in the back becoming more and more terrified at having to go talk to the man with the scary beard. When Ivy's picture was done, Megen took Lily to sit on the other knee of Jolly ol' Saint Nick and Matthew did his best to get them both to smile so Becca could get her Christmas picture. At first, all I could do is laugh. Those girls just make me giggle. Ivy is so strong and Lily is so meek. But then the thoughts came. I'm missing out on this. I'm not there to watch them sit on Santa's lap. To scream in terror or stride with confidence. I'm far away. By choice. Then the BIG thoughts come in. Was it the right choice? Do I really want to live so far away from everything I've ever known. From everyone I've ever known. Do I want my children to only see their cousins at family functions twice a year. Do I want to miss out on all these Santa trips and Magical Forest adventures. And then I realize that I did it because I had to. Because if Chris had moved to Vegas, we probably would have broken up. He wouldnt have had the freedom to come to the conclusion that he wanted to join the church. I would have never lived alone and never would have come to understand what being a real adult was. I never would have lost my job and been forced to rely on Chris and the Church and family for everything I needed. I might never have been diagnosed with cancer and I would still be living with a horrible disease but not even know about it. I would never have made some amazing friends and met some fantastic people. And knowing that moving here and the great things that came with it does make living here away from so many people that I love do dearly a little easier. But it doesnt stop the tears from falling when I realize I've missed another birthday or that I need a three day weekend so I can give my mother a hug.

It's just really hard sometimes.